My fellow Americans, I know that the problem of illegal immigration is a contentious and troublesome issue. It’s a poor thing for a sovereign country’s economy and security, to allow just anyone to flow through our borders without going through the proper channels. Yet at the same time, it would be beneath the spirit of America to deny access to those seeking to reach for their dreams of a better life and livelihood. Utterly closing the borders would be a foolhardy gesture of cruel isolationism, but a broad amnesty would only worsen an already severely backlogged government immigration service.

Hence, I am proposing the Friends of Brownpau Immigration Act, or FoBIA. Under FoBIA, all immigrants who are Friends of Brownpau to the second degree (i.e. friends and friends of friends) will be immediately naturalized and given a United States passport, King James bible, 12 gauge shotgun, “Support Our Troops” yellow ribbon bumper sticker, half a dozen little American flags, and optional cowboy hat. All immigrants who are not Friends of Brownpau will be deported. To Pluto. Which isn’t a planet. Acquaintances of Brownpau who are not exactly Friends will be judged on a case to case basis. Those who do not pass muster may still get citizenship, but will not be offered the cowboy hat option.

I ask Congress to pass FoBIA immediately. America needs Brownpau’s Friends.

(But add an exception for anyone who is a Scientologist. This is the XenuFoBIA amendment. Yes, that was a really bad setup for an incredibly lame joke.)