Put to death, therefore, what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these, the wrath of God is coming. In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. (Col 3:5-8)

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. (Col 3:12-13)

This has been a struggle for me as of late. As most of you know, I suffered a severe blow some time ago when my girlfriend, my best friend of 8 years, whom I loved with all my heart and had intended to marry, deceived and left me within a matter of months, even weeks. The sudden abandonment broke me almost utterly, though I managed to survive through sheer numbness.

I had thought that time would begin to heal these wounds, but in the months since then, my anger and bitterness have grown, and I know in my mind that it is because I have not fully submitted to God. Easier thought than practiced: I do want in my heart to “count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus as my Lord,” (Phil 3.8) but I suppose my flesh wants to continue feeling justified in its righteous indignation.

And I miss her. Part of me still wants to love her, to hold on to that futile, feeble hope that she will come back to me in heart. Another more sensible part of me is trying to beat that hope to death. Yet another part plots senseless revenge, while yet another is tempted, sometimes quite strongly, to plunge into vain sensual indulgence.

Deep in my heart, I want none of that. I want nothing but to be free of these earthly binds and to fill this painful void in my life with Christ. Not with her, not with other relationships, not with another girl, but with Christ and Christ alone. He knows that is my weakness: the desire to find fulfillment in a romance rather than with Him. I know in my soul that I should be surrendering to Him completely, that I should forgive those who have so wronged me, that I should commit myself to seek things above; but theory and practice are two different things. Until Christ is seated once more in the throne of my heart, He will bring me to this crisis point again and again till I learn to surrender to Him completely.

So if I seem pensive when you meet me, that’s probably what’s weighing on my mind. I usually hide it well, though.