Just when we thought it had gotten as hot as it would get, it gets hotter this week, as the heat wave that has been killing people and baking much of the nation now heads for the East Coast. Warming Warnings are up, so here are a few tips on how to handle the coming inferno like a pro:*

• Avoid water. That way you sweat less and stay less sticky. Instead, drink a diuretic, like Coke.
• Get out in the sun a lot. It’ll make the shade feel cooler.
• Dress with lots of heavy layers while you’re out in the sun, to block its deadly ultraviolet rays.
• Turn off that air conditioner. You’re just lowering your tolerance for heat, and burning precious fossil fuels, which contributes to global warming and makes the world even hotter.
• If you start feeling faint or dizzy while out in the sun, run around real fast and jump up and down as hard as you can to tell your body that it can beat the heat.
• Avoid sunscreen, which can cause skin cancer in high amounts.

More from CapitalWeather. Me, I’m seriously considering purchasing a Thobe.

* I’m joking. Please don’t follow these tips.