Ship of Fools’ Twelve Days of Kitschmas is out. I don’t think any Catholic household should go without a Bobblehead Mary. And for the Christian who needs a hug, what better hug to give than a Well Done Jesus Hug? Gifts should only be cleaned with Bar of Faith Prayer Soap and anointed only with Harvest Warriors Sacred Anointing Oil.

Too blasphemous? Okay, then go to Dave Barry’s Holiday Guift Guide instead. I hear the Haircut Umbrella can also double as a personal perimeter forcefield for crowded subway cars. And the Bubble Buddy Bacon Flavored Dog Bubbles jokes practically write themselves.