For your reference: Gout.
Monday, 9pm: Russell, visiting from California, takes me and my coworkers out to dinner at Mimi’s and Johnny’s Half Shell. I consume a bottle of Yuengling, a few bites of calamari, six raw clams, a bowl of extra-spicy filé gumbo with mussels, and a glass of white wine.
Monday, 11pm: I go to sleep, lying on my left side under the sheets. Uric acid, introduced by an increased intake of purine-rich alcohol and shellfish, begins to form crystals in my bloodstream.
Tuesday, 2am: Uric acid crystals accumulate where my sleeping position has caused blood concentration to pool: my left shoulder.
Tuesday, 5am: I am awakened by a dull, steady ache in my left shoulder and arm. My first thought is that a heart attack can often manifest as pain in the left arm, but then I remember an old softball injury in my shoulder from grade school. I dismiss it as the old pulled muscle acting up again and attempt go back to sleep.
Tuesday, 6am: The pain is now so intense that I am groaning in bed and cannot sleep. Painkillers do not help.
Tuesday, 9am: Painkillers begin to kick in, but I call in sick. I still do not realize that I have gout, though a long draught of water helps the pain somewhat.
Tuesday, noon: Late for work, I suddenly remember that my father has a history of gout, and has warned me that it can be passed down to other males in the family. I have indeed gotten similar episodes of foot and joint pain after eating large quantities of codfish and steak in the past.
I conclude that I have had a gout attack in which the pain hit my shoulder rather than my big toe (a more common spot for gout attacks), and am kept in a state of reasonable comfort by acetaminophen through the rest of the day. Note to self: cut down shellfish intake.