I dont like new thing
— EmSueB❤️ (@EBrianas) January 28, 2014
The earth, our home, is beginning to look more and more like an immense pile of filth.
— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) June 18, 2015
melt thtis shit earth. melt this shit earth and start over. except for me and everyone in my necklace makeing club
— wint (@dril) January 11, 2011
The good news: The future is here. The bad news: it’s dumb as hell
— igowen (@igowen) November 20, 2013
are you having a crap of me mate?? Are you, having a crap of me mate
— wint (@dril) November 30, 2014
“my mario tip: Anything is possible in the world of Mario.” – my mario tip
— wint (@dril) August 4, 2014
how dare you fuck with me. how dare you fuck with me , on the year of Luigi
— wint (@dril) June 22, 2013
awfully bold of you to fly the Good Year blimp on a year that has been extremely bad thus far
— wint (@dril) July 19, 2014
“Check it” I say as I pull back the curtain. Behind it is a massive plaque that reads “PRIVILEGE”
— igowen (@igowen) August 20, 2013
Yeah I’m into ESPORTS: Everyone Sharing Pleasantries Online Respectfully, Tastefully & Sensitively
— Casey Kolderup (@ckolderup) June 18, 2016
It’s a pity we have to use the awkward phrase “human-crocodile hybrid” while the French have the far more elegant “croque-monsieur” and “croque-madame”.
— Tom Freeman (@SnoozeInBrief) March 9, 2018
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
— beloved comedy institution “the pixelated boat” (@pixelatedboat) June 12, 2016
this is not my beautiful waffle house, this is not my beautiful waffle wife
— Hollis Johnson (@hollis_photo) August 4, 2017
My cask of amontillado brings all the boys to the catacombs
And they’re like, you’re entombing us alive
Damn right, I’m entombing you alive
I could free you
But I’m entombing you alive— Living Marble (@living_marble) March 21, 2018
The vengabus is coming
And everybody’s jumping
The vengabus’ purpose
A rail replacement service
To take you to some stations
We thank you for your patience
Might want to set out early
It will delay your journey— Johnny Chiodini (@johnneh) November 27, 2017
You can lead a horse to water.
You can leave your horse behind.
Because your horse don’t dance and if he don’t dance then he’s no horse of mine.
— SCARELXRK (@skylxrksays) July 2, 2018
Her skin is pale, her eyes are red
Her leaden voice commands the dead
To rise and stand beside their dreadful queen
No mortal power escapes her thrall
Her hunger will consume us all
And even now I hear her call: Jolene— lil drama boi (@fauxparse) June 8, 2019
why do birds suddenly appear
every time you are near
just like me
you angered three
forest hags— the library haunter 🦉🎃 (@SketchesbyBoze) December 19, 2016
*walking in a winter wonderland*
ME: where’s bluebird?
BIRD: gone
ME: w… who are you?
*bird looks around shiftily*
BIRD: I’m new bird— Ryan North (@ryanqnorth) December 17, 2015
we love Shakespeare because he portrays universal human emotions like fury, first love, revenge, being a sexy witch lady and having to kill your uncle because a ghost told you to.
— the library haunter 🦉🎃 (@SketchesbyBoze) July 2, 2018
horny-upon-main, england
— alert: insufficient funds (@afterwits) July 9, 2018
*event happens* but how does this affect Me, the Protagonist of Reality
— alex FEAR-lin 😱🔥 (@thefurlinator) April 17, 2014
How to use modern computer program
– Is there a gear?
– Click on the gear
– Did that do it?
– Try clicking on the air conditioner— mcc (@mcclure111) February 24, 2015
I want mine to be the generation that puts a hamburger button on the moon
— Casey Kolderup (@ckolderup) May 10, 2014
computer code is some of the most complex shit in the world. check this out. 39493425i934. thats just basic internet. thats internet level 1
— John “Artist Formerly Known as Weß Büt” V. Variety (@johnvvariety) March 26, 2014
WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
CODE IS DOCUMENTATION— tef, one word, all lowercase (@tef_ebooks) August 31, 2015
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
— bandit (@UtilityLimb) October 19, 2011
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, knowledge manifests itself in radiant dreams that shimmer like the wild sun.
— bandit (@UtilityLimb) January 16, 2012
cultures yet to invent dogs still make speculative dog tweets. “they have form,” says one. “they are formless,” says another. both are wrong
— bandit (@UtilityLimb) March 12, 2012
when someone lends you their dog creating machine DON’T just max all the stats without looking. my dog has 12 legs. that’s too many legs
— kimmy (@ka_waltz) May 21, 2012
nobody tell dogs that they are made of bones deep down inside or they’ll all just rip themselves apart out of joy
— satantist (@heckromancy) September 19, 2012
I looked at a gazebo ONCE on Lowe’s website, and for a month Adchoices was fuckin’ GAZEBO CITY
— Griffin’s Cool 2018 Tweets (@griffinmcelroy) May 4, 2016
the whole damn 19th century was just excessive crying and drama
— mcmansion hell, lazy millennial (@mcmansionhell) March 19, 2018
ugh why is the death cab always for cutie
— Jason Linkins (@dceiver) March 18, 2018
Always wear your opera gloves when you attend the opera. Also wear your opera goggles. Know the location of the opera safety shower station. Now you are ready to handle that dangerous and corrosive material, the opera
— gamer mad they left a turkey out of smash bros 🔥 (@rajandelman) April 29, 2018
#tbt to when I met a dude named alec who had the macklemore haircut & I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to privately say “maleclemore”
— kimmy (@ka_waltz) December 18, 2014
TAke a look, y’all: IMG_4346.jpeg
— Stephen A Smith (@stephenasmith) May 27, 2015
@google porno
— robertodelapaz (@robertodelapa13) October 8, 2016
Sex gifs
— Dean Norris (@deanjnorris) May 23, 2018
Ten years in and we bone like we’re cheating on each other WITH each other. A decade-plus and her clit/brown/taint-area still pOwns my dick.
— KevinSmith (@ThatKevinSmith) July 9, 2009
incesto,,,INCESTO, ,
— Green Giant (@GreenGiant_es) March 9, 2015
investo,,,INVESTO, ,
— Green Giant Elon (@fightclubdvd) July 28, 2018
JACKING OFF HAS RUINED MY LIFE – Lil B
— Lil B THE BASEDGOD (@LILBTHEBASEDGOD) February 25, 2011
@thejaredfogle Have fun!
— SUBWAY® (@SUBWAY) June 14, 2011
ah, So u persecute Jared Fogle just because he has different beliefs? Do Tell. (girls get mad at me) Sorry. Im sorry. Im trying to remove it
— wint (@dril) November 1, 2015
DON DRAPER: “We quiero many things. Family, safety, love. But this guy–”
(Taps drawing of chihuahua)
“There’s only one thing he quieros.”— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) June 6, 2014
Computer, show me everyone being mad about the same tweet
— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) May 18, 2018
“jail isnt real,” i assure myself as i close my eyes and ram the hallmark gift shop with my shitty bronco
— wint (@dril) March 18, 2012
another day volunteering at the betsy ross museum. everyone keeps asking me if they can fuck the flag. buddy, they wont even let me fuck it
— wint (@dril) February 20, 2012
Another day volunteering at Mt. Gox. Everyone keeps asking me if they can fuck the bitcoin. Buddy they won’t even let me fuck it
— RustyK5 (@rustyk5) April 11, 2013
“Dollars aren’t real”, I assure myself as i close my eyes and ram the federal reserve with my shitty bronco
— Buttcoin (@ButtCoin) January 20, 2018
i paid for a beer in cash last night and the bartender said “yes! cash! loving it!” and i said “same i’ve been getting back into acoustic money recently” and she did not laugh
— bought leather pants 13/8/19 (@anton_labae) May 18, 2018
I went to the Museum of Ice Cream last September and I just found a sprinkle in my backpack
— Maximum Anna (@ajlobster) January 5, 2018
u want george bush in prison? well guess what: hes already in prison, the prison of worthless human existence, +ur in it too. listen to tool
— a really shitty annoying guy that pisses you off (@pisscop) November 25, 2012
the guy behind the counter at the shop calling me “boss” is the only respect ill ever receive
— pongu (@chillcops247) March 31, 2014
Millennials love sitting on the stoop drinking a forty two point three oz lime crystal geyser
— Roudabwoy (@borkwilly) January 11, 2018
@Mobute [john kerry voice] who among us hasn’t blown off steam with a round of Monkey King and an ice cold Martin’s Dew?
— Dan (@dankmtl) October 20, 2014
*Cracks Diet Pepsi* Ahh…Refreshing Diet Peppi *Slowly Sips, Then Gulps, The Diet Pappo** Ahh, Diet Parpo. Thank’s To The Papor-Colla Corp.
— Jackson (@tree_bro) June 11, 2011
i may be grasping at straws but let me tell you this: one day im going to nab one of those wispy little fuckers
— Druthers Haver (@6thgrade4ever) February 1, 2018
i regret to inform you, that by resorting to Swear language, you have forfeit this debate. Farewell my bitch
— wint (@dril) March 27, 2018
the doctor reveals my blood pressure is 420 over 69. i hoot & holler outta the building while a bunch of losers try to tell me that im dying
— wint (@dril) July 13, 2012
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE— bandit (@UtilityLimb) March 28, 2012
When I die, I dont want a stuffy religious ceremony, just celebrate my life by giving a priest 1000gp worth of diamonds to resurrect my body
— full body flavor (@tehloki) October 17, 2017
man it’s immensely fucked up to name your pinocchio-ass robot “data”
— matt, lubchansky (@Lubchansky) November 16, 2017
I think I’ve figured it out: all young republicans are issued an enormous suit at 15 & they just slowly fill it out as they age
— Watch me trick Fred out of his Pebbles (@rappingranny) February 23, 2015
Heading back into PDX and the girl in our row spent half the flight writing really bad poetry about a breakup
— synthesizer fart sounds CD maxi-single (@killhamster) October 10, 2017
Venus once tricked a robot into sampling its own lens cap. I have a certain affection for that degree of planetary assholishness.
— Mika McKinnon (@mikamckinnon) September 22, 2017
love to stomp around the u.k. in my bermuda shorts and golf visor asking where all the walmarts are
— YOU a ho! (@prefect_beanis) October 10, 2017
Why the fuck would you go big when u can go home
— Panic! (@burkavengerette) October 15, 2017
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
— a really shitty annoying guy that pisses you off (@pisscop) May 9, 2011
teens building new species of teen out of every available resource. teens of moss and teens of ore, our old weapons can not harm them.
— bandit (@UtilityLimb) April 27, 2012
me: don’t ever call someone fat, respect someone’s right to use their own words about their own body but never pass judgment on another human’s body or weight
me to my cat: look at u tubby boi. fat lil gnocchi— Are You Afraid of Aardvark? (@aardvarkwizard) March 26, 2018
productivity tip!!!
1. write down everything u want to do today
2. only one of those will get done
3. choose one item
4. it wont be that one— jonny sun (@jonnysun) October 23, 2017
listening to a clavier: this fucking sucks
listening to a well tempered clavier: oh hell yea this shit rule
— leon (@leyawn) April 19, 2017
Go to church + change organists sheet music to slightly lower notes each week until after a while everyone is wearing hoods and eating drugs
— Cool Pond (@cool_pond) March 4, 2012
I throw a gender reveal party for my future kid. Everyone is hyped. What’s inside the cake? Pink? Blue? NEITHER. It’s venomous spiders. Gender is a social construct. There was never a child. This is a life lesson for my friends about survival of the fittest. Be ready or be deady.
— Praxis Makes Perfect (@AlexPleskach1) January 11, 2018
“This Whole Thing Smacks Of Gender,” i holler as i overturn my uncle’s barbeque grill and turn the 4th of July into the 4th of Shit
— wint (@dril) June 16, 2012
go ahead. keep screaming “Shut The Fuck Up ” at me. it only makes my opinions Worse
— wint (@dril) March 10, 2018
who the fuck is scraeming “LOG OFF” at my house. show yourself, coward. i will never log off
— wint (@dril) September 16, 2012
ME: COMPUTER… SORT THE POSTS ON THIS SITE FROM LEAST TO MOST RACIST
COMPUTER: YES MASTER
ME: COMPUTER… PLEASE DO NOT CALL ME THAT— wint (@dril) March 30, 2016
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this— wint (@dril) August 4, 2016
you know what wo uld be fun, would be if twitter hq just dumped a truck full of wet turds on my front lawn every day “In case I missed it”
— wint (@dril) July 17, 2018
fuck “jokes”. everything i tweet is real. raw insight without the horse shit. no, i will NOT follow trolls. twitter dot com. i live for this
— wint (@dril) October 13, 2011
watching all of you goof up again, with your posts. nobody has ever crapped themselves more in human history. The shit is a total clown show
— wint (@dril) October 11, 2019
there is a time and a place for clowns and it is called “CIRCUS”. not the computer
— wint (@dril) March 8, 2014
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
— Cohen is a Ghost (@skullmandible) December 12, 2013
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
— spooky mustard (@nice_mustard) July 18, 2012
DON DRAPER: “We quiero many things. Family, safety, love. But this guy–”
(Taps drawing of chihuahua)
“There’s only one thing he quieros.”— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) June 6, 2014
is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat
— Cohen is a Ghost (@skullmandible) August 29, 2013
Hello, this is Rachel from Catholder Services. We’re calling to inform you about an issue with your cat. He says you aren’t holding him.
— bandit (@UtilityLimb) January 11, 2012
[watches Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood for first time] this is cute, good little lessons for the kid
[watches Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood for 64,297th time] the fuck is King Friday’s claim to authority, how has no one usurped this feeble autocrat, storm the castle Music Man Stan
— Simon Maloy (@SimonMaloy) March 4, 2018
*sees Santa at the mall*
Me: ” Homoousios or Homoiousios?”
Him: “What?”
Me: “You’re not the real St. Nicholas.”
— Nathan White (@NPWhite717) December 2, 2017
every single word in the sentence “homestuck tumblr fandom doxxed dril” would require at least 4 hours each to explain to my dad
— aLec robBins (@alecrobbins) November 17, 2017
thte international space station is visible from earth at the following times: Nerd Time
— wint (@dril) November 1, 2011
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets— Jennifer Morrow (@jenniferemorrow) April 26, 2018
Young man you will not use the word “finna” in an essay for my class. You will use the proper form “finning to”
— Name Cannot Be Blank (@ApparatusMan) March 14, 2014
yeah, sure, i like sorkin. sorkin my own dick
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) January 21, 2019
*finishes sucking dick*
*crushes it against my head like a beer can*
— 𝖘𝖔𝖋𝖙 𝖉𝖆𝖉 ⛧ 𝖘𝖙𝖆𝖓 𝖛𝖎𝖛𝖎 (@softdad_) February 16, 2018
“Anime is real,” Barack Obama said in his inauguration speech earlier. “Pokémon are real. Geodude is real, and strong, and he’s my friend.”
— drewtoothpaste (@drewtoothpaste) January 21, 2013
obama: *punches me* what is my fursona
me: fuck you ass hole
obama: *throws a chair at wall* how do i get a fursona
me: got o hell— nyquil angelo (@jetgreguar) June 24, 2015
Obama chuckled. “You mean the Chaos Emeralds?”
— Fanfiction_txt (@fanfiction_txt) April 30, 2013
Out on the town having the time of my life with a bunch of friends. They’re all just out of frame, laughing too. pic.twitter.com/VCbkZwWwvs
— nathan fielder (@nathanfielder) July 12, 2015
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
— ”Steve” (@extranapkins) January 3, 2013
Daaamn gurl, heaven must be missin an angel cuz you got nine swords, a face obscured by light, and a voice like peals of thunder.
— Runnin Through This Hell With a Pickle in My Mouth (@sexyfacts4u) January 7, 2013
for mothers day i got my mom some big sticks she can pretend are swrods when shes rough housin with her mom friends
— deg (@degg) May 9, 2010
Sword’s. The only blade known to man
— wint (@dril) May 17, 2015
“im not owned! im not owned!!”, i continue to insist as i slowly shrink and transform into a corn cob
— wint (@dril) November 11, 2011
I hate the neologism “owned” for “scored a victory over”. I have no intention of owning anyone, and nobody will ever own me.
— Richard Dawkins (@RichardDawkins) May 19, 2013
@Whoozley I’ve seen a dog & bitch indulging in full 69. Males of many species including Drosophila lick female genitals before copulation.
— Richard Dawkins (@RichardDawkins) March 24, 2014
we need a disney princess who’s down with the clown
— mad dog (@mad_dog_5150) March 22, 2018
November 5, 2010 I hate the muppets bcuz of the Pig girl, she was disgusting, i hate her with my life, she doesnot leave the lizard alone
— jawbroken (@jawbroken) November 7, 2010
somebody just said to me “she doesnt leave the lizard alone” but in the context of a real life situation and without any prior exposure to the famous tweet on that topic
— Aguacate Middleton (@borkwilly) April 5, 2018
*bumps into cute girl while typing on calculator* oops! got a bit carried away inventorying my lizards *makes sure she sees the 99999999999*
— scientology celebrity centre (@ingmarbirdman) July 26, 2013
*affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible
— in the air tonight drum fill on table 30sec early (@Lowenaffchen) July 26, 2013
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
— Chris Kyle Plant Emoji (@mattytalks) July 19, 2013
scientist (shows me photo of a raccoon eating garbage): please identify the animal in this picture
me: big mood
scientist (to soldier): tase him again— leon (@leyawn) March 23, 2018
James and the Giant Mood
— snatch adams family (@hellohappy_time) June 23, 2018
Old person watching a Tweety Bird cartoon: I assume this bird has conservative opinions and isn’t afraid to express them. I’ll make a meme about it. The image compression will be horrible
— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) March 29, 2018
fishmech was right
— Goons_TXT (@Goons_TXT) November 20, 2014
cremnob was right
— Goons_TXT (@Goons_TXT) March 13, 2015
stymie was right
— Goons_TXT (@Goons_TXT) January 13, 2016
[reading an eighteenth-century document]
me: don’t you do it
my brain: ……..
me: DON’T
my brain: maffachufetts— “boy witch,” or, “bitch,” (@allohillary) February 25, 2018
life is just a viral marketing scheme for the empty void of death
— igowen (@igowen) September 24, 2013
My tweet went so viral a dude is selling weed in the comments
— Dan McQuade (@dhm) April 2, 2018
If my calculations are correct, biscuits and Triscuits hint towards a mysterious third food called “monoscuits.”
— A Literal Spooky Ghost (@TenderBeefsteak) April 3, 2018
[everyone getting mad at me for saying racial slurs in the airport cinnabon] this is marxism, to me
— ski patrol lars (@KrangTNelson) April 4, 2018
People say a lot of bad things about Long Island and I just wanna say, having grown up there, it’s extremely racist
— nuanced opinion guy (@charles_kinbote) May 24, 2018
issuing correction on a previous post of mine, regarding the terror group ISIL. you do not, under any circumstances, “gotta hand it to them”
— wint (@dril) February 15, 2017
ordered from same chinese delivery place for years. when i would call i would hear the lady whisper “its hot boy” because i liked it spicy
— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) October 14, 2013
For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn. Ya my wife said its irresponsible to spend $160 on baby sized Jordans. Just to clarify my baby is not dead
— kale 🥬 (@radvillainy) October 17, 2016
i 👏 was 👏 cursed 👏 by 👏 the 👏 clapping 👏 wizard 👏 and 👏 i 👏 am 👏 on 👏 a 👏 quest 👏 to 👏 kill 👏 him 👏 will 👏 you 👏 help 👏 me 👏 adventurer
— im ganon (@CdiGanon) July 14, 2016
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) August 2, 2017
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
— Skoog (@Skoog) July 11, 2018
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
— Antifashiell Hammett (@a_lolbrarian) January 14, 2018
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
— 🎃Halloween Omar Najam🎃 (@OmarNajam) November 28, 2017
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
— 𝗺 𝗶 𝗸 𝗲 (@boy_from_school) May 13, 2018
I
H ate
A cronyms
T hey
C an
E at
M y
S tinks— fromidable! (@owenpallett) August 4, 2015
i love eating ASS
A
S atisfactory
S andwich— 🔪 killy boo-cean 🎃 (@IllyBocean) November 27, 2017
Before u leave the house, think of the acronym ‘WOWEE’
Wallet
phOne
Wkeys
Egg
Egg (backup)— Deirdre (@figgled) September 14, 2017
Whoa just realized
F.ross
R.achel
I.oey
E.obe
N.onica
D.andler
S.ome friends— danacbell (@danacbell) May 5, 2015
the worst part of eating oysters, id say, is having to chew through the outside rock part
— matt lubchansky (@Lubchansky) May 17, 2018
Online friendships are wild because you learn every detail of their childhood traumatic experiences and ensuing lifelong mental illness in the first week, and then three years later you’re like, “Wait, you have a dog?”
— Mark O’Brien (@mobrienbooks) May 17, 2018
Some people say you can drink coffee any old time, but I find its stimulating powers most effective in the mornings, when I need to do tasks
— Tim Carmody (@tcarmody) May 18, 2018
i told a customer good morning and he said “time means nothing to me” he’s the only person i’ve ever respected
— dirt prince (@pant_leg) July 12, 2018
Epcot seems like it was planned by a child trying to appeal to adults. “What do adults like? History, science, and alcohol? “
— Eliza The Skinner (@elizaskinner) May 17, 2018
I wouldn’t last a day in the Tale Spin universe and I feel like every girl I meet knows it
— Brooks Otterlake (@i_zzzzzz) September 19, 2016
my son doesn’t return my calls
— doritos dad (@doritos_dad) April 30, 2013
my addiction to doritos has destroyed my family
— doritos dad (@doritos_dad) October 21, 2014
/!\ REMINDER /!\ Even if Senators vote to kill your entire family you MUST respect them by not saying anything rude.
— drewtoothpaste (@drewtoothpaste) July 25, 2017
I choose to believe that everybody’s just humoring He-Man on the secret identity thing. “Oh hey, He-Man! Did you see where Prince Adam went? He was JUST HERE a moment ago and now he’s gone! Oh well, I’m sure you wouldn’t know anything about that.”
— CHECK ENGINE (@popeguilty) May 18, 2018
the true genius of classical pavlovian conditioning is that every time i hear “pavlov” i automatically think of a dog
— jonny sun (@jonnysun) May 19, 2018
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
— john (@mrjohndarby) November 30, 2016
thinking about this guy who rolled a five during a drinking game where if the die landed on five you had to pound a beer and said “aw dang what are the odds.” and someone said “one in six you dumb motherfucker.”
— mark zuckerberg’s fricking barber!! (@bobby) May 21, 2018
yeauh, let me just follow the fucking “YouTube” account, on twitter. thats fucking normal
— wint (@dril) September 26, 2017
when i see a tall building i bend backward to see the tippy top while exclaiming ‘golly!’ and my tattered pants fall down
— come wipe me (@STRONG_PlSS) April 7, 2018
pepe, the frog that pulls its pants down all the way to pee, is the icon of a bold new generation of profoundly-stunted shunt-brained poindexters who are determined to take this country “back”
— CUSS BROTHER (@BUSSCRO) November 25, 2017
my therapist wants me to “slow down” and stop “living my life like it’s a race” it’s like he doesn’t even know that life is a highway and i’m contractually obligated to ride it all night long
— dirt prince (@pant_leg) May 20, 2018
Been checking out this new little show, ‘Rick and Morty’, and it’s looking pretty good so far. Not perfect but OK. Thinking of maybe basing my entire personality around it
— Hbomb (@Hbomberguy) May 20, 2018
“The ancients had over five hundred gods, which they referred to as Funko Pops,” said the archaeologist. He advanced the slide, and the crowd laughed. “No, they weren’t very good at art,” he added.
— drewtoothpaste (@drewtoothpaste) November 15, 2017
Also yes sometimes lunch is pancakes how about you piss off I get enough shit from my numerous doctors
— August J. Pollak (@AugustJPollak) May 21, 2018
one day i’ll finally die and when i’m face to face with that old bastard god he’s gonna have to tell me whether or not ABBA exists in the Mamma Mia! Cinematic Universe
— matt lubchansky (@Lubchansky) May 20, 2018
before you threaten to “Pimp slap” me, please remember that i am a police officer of the law, on at least four separate timeline’s
— wint (@dril) May 21, 2018
gathering data on various of bastards
— wint (@dril) May 9, 2018
it i s a DISGRACE that these people are finding exciting, new ways to get horny without my express written permission
— wint (@dril) April 29, 2013
journalism is the hardest job on earth…I have to look at so many sites, and everyones trying to trick me into posting pics of my whole ass
— wint (@dril) January 6, 2018
and another thing: im not mad. please dont put in the newspaper that i got mad.
— wint (@dril) December 29, 2014
im the guy who gets really upset about people not putting their real names on here. im also mad at State Farm Insurance for not being a farm
— wint (@dril) May 30, 2016
cant believe i got fired for measuring female coworkers skulls with my phrenology calipers. welcome to 1984. i have committed “wrongthink”
— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) August 8, 2017
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time— drewtoothpaste (@drewtoothpaste) May 22, 2018
[absolute worst voice you can imagine] daddy likey
— 🔪 killy boo-cean 🎃 (@IllyBocean) June 4, 2018
I just saw a dad in cargo shorts on a riding mower shoot some finger pistols at another dad on a riding mower what a fucking power move
— Sorry, no free takis! (@Jawwwwwsh) May 16, 2018
you at 35: just paid my tax online, lol extremely adulting much
your dad at 35: i have 4 kids and industrial deafness— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) November 19, 2015
these days it seems like people are always on their iphones instead of thatching roofs or following the edicts of edward the confessor
— Jon Bois (@jon_bois) September 26, 2017
i’m devising a system of springs and pulleys that will allow my corpse to backflip into my own grave
— Headless Porn Horseman (@porn_horse) September 3, 2014
okay gang. I know a lot of you have concerns. I’ve heard whispers of a trap, even an ambush. and I get it. these are difficult times. even *I’m* nervous.
but guys. if we put all that worry aside, and we take this chance, and it pays off…
we get a free wooden horse.
— Avery Edison (@aedison) May 22, 2018
Accidently left the front door open so now my Roomba is out cleaning up the streets.
When its work is done Earth can begin to heal.
— Joel Wade (@Wahday44) May 14, 2018
morning tip: close your sensory holes when moving from sleeping bag to waking bag. do not experience the unbagged void outside the bagwombs.
— bandit (@UtilityLimb) April 4, 2012
an oscar the grouch in every trashcan doesn’t break the canon that there’s only one of him, each connects to a central body in the undercity
— bandit (@UtilityLimb) March 17, 2012
your movie script is a lot like unicode in that it’s got a bunch of stupid characters that will never show up on a screen
— bandit (@UtilityLimb) April 27, 2012
bike is short for bichael
— zoë “bi fieri” quinn (@UnburntWitch) December 1, 2017
t-shirt is short for “the shirt”
— wwwdmmmffnn (@woodmuffin) January 9, 2016
@MaraWritesStuff Most people don’t know this but he actually shortened his name from Elongated Muskrat when he moved from South Africa.
— Stephen King’s “J Crowley” (@jdcrowley) July 11, 2014
LOOK BACK FORTY YEARS, TO WHEN SOMEONE COMPLIMENTED GEORGE LUCAS ON HIS BRAND-NEW FLANNEL SHIRT & HE THOUGHT “WELL, THIS IS IT FROM NOW ON.”
— Jacob Evans (@vumpire) March 13, 2010
funny how socialists always complain about “privelege” and yet they all seem to adorn themselves with precious stones and pearls, sit astride a scarlet beast full of names of blasphemy, and bear upon their brow the mark MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIO
— frank furtschool (@osamabishounen) June 16, 2018
did you know that the bible doesn’t actually contain any references to hell? or heaven? or christ?? it just a bunch of names & phone numbers
— wint (@dril) December 20, 2012
if somone cooks your goose, thats it. youre basically fucked
— wint (@dril) May 25, 2018
Yesterday in the park I saw a toddler screaming “BAD DOG” at a goose & I can’t stop thinking about it
— Sophie Mackintosh (@fairfairisles) May 23, 2018
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
— what the heq (@bibliophileq) June 9, 2018
Interviewing a developer for whom English wasn’t his first language and he kept calling legacy code “legendary code” and now that’s all I want to write.
— Mark Norman Francis (@cackhanded) July 17, 2018
is there any feeling more humbling than dropping your phone on your own face
— wikipedia “real life is terrifying enough” brown (@eveewing) May 23, 2018
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
— Samityville Horror (@SamGrittner) May 21, 2018
Long term Twitter use has only 2 possible outcomes:
1) you become a overbearing politics obsessed scold
2) your brain becomes so diseased that you can only laugh at stuff like “it’s ya boy tarantula dick”— Chris Kyle Plant Emoji (@mattytalks) May 24, 2018
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
— James (@cashbonez) May 23, 2018
Arnold Palmer: get me a refreshing drink
Barkeep: try this, its lemonade and iced tea
Arnold Palmer: Mmm… its good… I just invented it.— Mike F (@mikefossey) October 30, 2014
things you should never say to guys with depression:
1) im kicking your ass, sad boy
2) i heard you have depression… prepare to die fool— Mike F (@mikefossey) August 21, 2015
fool me once, fuck you, fool me twice cut it out asshole stop fooling me
— Mike F (@mikefossey) May 30, 2018
Metallica 1986: here’s a song called creeping death, it’s about a plague personified and it shreds
Metallica 1991: this one is called enter sandman and it’s about going to bed— Mike F (@mikefossey) June 22, 2018
One thing I like to do is to go to dunkin donuts and order a donut and a munchkin, and request that they put the munchkin into the donut hole to create a complete donut. In my experience they’re confused every time and they enjoy it about half the time
— Mike F (@mikefossey) July 29, 2018
ahh Mr Bond… ive been expecting you. (I lean back too far in my chair and windmill my arms to regain equilibrium) ahhh whoa holy shit dude
— Mike F (@mikefossey) May 14, 2016
ENJOYING BOND MMO?? JUST CRAFTED SOME REMARKABLE BOND GEAR WHILE YOU WERE BUSY TRYING TO FUCK THE NPCS WITH THE HUNDREDS OF OTHER JAME BONDS
— wint (@dril) April 29, 2015
country songs by men: “🎵when u live the 🤠farm life…u need a 👩🌾farm wife👰”
country songs by women: “im literally going to kill my husband”— Left at London, musician (female) (@LeftAtLondon) April 9, 2017
i just sucked my own dick and got poisoned. no podcast tonight
— wint (@dril) August 21, 2013
the five dolphins who played flipper were the original pod cast
— Avery Edison (@aedison) May 27, 2018
oh man you got hacked? you should have turned on 2 factor auth and also sacrificed a goat to the infosec gods. you did? two goats, then
— sarah jeong (@sarahjeong) March 4, 2015
@fermunation @ButtCoin he called it his “pleasure card” while making intense eye contact pic.twitter.com/bS8OvdDcJI
— sarah jeong (@sarahjeong) February 1, 2015
I bought your product, but my PC is still affected by virus :(
— Akash (@akash1988) July 27, 2017
what a shame that James Joyce died before he could see Finnegans Wake adapted into its ideal format (twitter)
— The Discourse Lover (@Trillburne) June 3, 2018
Hello sir, I-*briefcase full of jellybeans falls open*
— brendle (@brendlewhat) February 4, 2012
*lives in a culture of cutthroat competition, militarism and callousness led by sociopaths idolized as heroes* WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?
— brendle (@brendlewhat) December 14, 2012
Nazi: ah… I’ve been bested in debate…. i shall cease to be a nazi
— YouGov Christopher (@piss_wizard) January 21, 2017
“why won’t these libturd soyboy SJWs sit down and have a conversation with me” is my favorite form of obliviousness
— Amy Dentata (@AmyDentata) July 12, 2018
oh, youvve read a few academic papers on the matter? cute. i have read over 100000 posts.
— wint (@dril) October 3, 2015
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”— Gregory Loup-Garou 🐀 (@cat_beltane) April 15, 2015
you, an imbecile: gas prices are up
me, smart: car sauce gettin EXPONSIVE— campHELL 🔥🔥🔥 (@soy_person) June 24, 2018
having my druthers— and eating them too
— wint (@dril) June 5, 2018
THERAPIST: do you have *any* goals?
ME: *thought bubble of spinning newspaper w/ headline “Perfect Boy Receives Maximum Number of Treats”*— Druthers Haver (@6thgrade4ever) November 4, 2016
the main thing with ebola is dont touch the vomit. i know some of you are wanting to touch the vomit, but that’s– you gotta not do that
— Druthers Haver (@6thgrade4ever) October 2, 2014
pick your battles. pick… pick fewer battles than that. put some battles back. that’s too many
— king of ice packs (@audendum) November 4, 2016
Politic’s is back baby. It’s good again. Awoouu (wolf Howl)
— wint (@dril) February 18, 2015
just sold 1000 guns to “CONGO” in my most radical act of self care to date
— wint (@dril) August 30, 2017
its the weekend baby. youknow what that means. its time to drink precisely one beer and call 911
— wint (@dril) November 1, 2013
hello 911. the toilet seat ripped my loin cloth off again
— wint (@dril) August 18, 2016
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying— wint (@dril) September 29, 2013
I wanna have “butler deals with my piss jars” money. Tired of dealing with my piss jars alone
— TGB (@twitersgoodboy) June 7, 2018
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
— we (@kanwetwitty) March 8, 2012
YOU: [bad, sexistly] women be shoppin!!!
ME: [woke, wise beyond his years] susan be anthony— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) July 30, 2017
If you’re a sex worker, and you don’t end all of your client interactions with “it was a business doing pleasure with you”, I think you’re wasting an opportunity.
— 𝔍𝔢𝔰𝔲𝔰 𝔬𝔣 𝔐𝔢𝔱𝔥𝔩𝔢𝔥𝔢𝔪 (@YourKyness) July 25, 2018
It is time for them to pay for what they have done.
— coffee dad (@coffee_dad) March 29, 2017
*scrolling through Twitter for eleven hours a day*
– Jeez, I wish I was as good at creating stuff as all these amazing artists I follow. How on earth have they become so skilled?
*continues scrolling*
— somegreybloke (@somegreybloke) May 15, 2018
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) September 30, 2012
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) February 28, 2014
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
— Leeloo Marbles (@maebemarbles) July 8, 2013
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
— wint (@dril) October 11, 2012
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways— actioncookBOOk (@actioncookbook) January 5, 2016
welcome to the world of pokemon, 10yo unaccompanied child. whcih small creature would you like to train to maul other animals? there’s excess saliva turtle, highly flammable lizard and a toad we glued to an onion. time to go into the woods alone now
— elf wife: full wife consequences (@bonerman_inc) June 13, 2018
my mom used to watch jeopardy early on a different city’s channel so that when she would watch it w my dad later she’d know all the answers. she’s still never told him so he’s been under the impression that she’s a genius this whole time
— grace (@gracearnprie) June 14, 2018
on my commute, I noticed the guy next to me using Twitter exclusively to keep up with golf. All the tweets in his timeline were like, “Great job on the back nine, Chuck” and “Wow! Stellar putt on the third hole, John!!” and I’ve never been more jealous of someone’s online life
— 𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖕𝖊𝖑𝖑 𝕰𝖑𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖔𝖓 (㇏(ಠᵥᵥಠ)ノ) (@ChappellTracker) June 18, 2018
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
— The Discourse Lover (@Trillburne) September 22, 2017
the crack of the bat. the scent of a verdant field. The excitement of the crowd. These are the things that piss base ball fans off the most
— wint (@dril) June 19, 2018
I just shouted “stop fucking about” at the telly while watching trained athletes at the peak of their game. I am drinking cans in a vest.
— Grev Williams (@JusticeTrousers) July 11, 2018
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
— Grimothy Coldkill (@burgerdrome) May 10, 2015
my favorite brutalist installation is the moon
— neotene (@ctrlcreep) October 5, 2016
Brutalism Is My Favorite Architectural Style And Also Dog Petting Technique
— bandit (@UtilityLimb) May 17, 2011
me: *knows uwu is an emoticon that resembles the eyes and a mouth and cannot technically be pronounced*
my last braincell: oo-woo
— vegan wan (@kenobarnes) June 20, 2018
I wrote a play. the main character is MOM. mom, youll be cast as MOM. 1st act opens with you showing the audience where you hid the nintendo
— Druthers Haver (@6thgrade4ever) June 5, 2013
i remember when nintendo 64 came out in 1996 thinkijg it was the coolest thing i’d ever seen & it turns out i was right. i haven’t felt that way since. i haven’t felt anything
— Official Žižek VEVO (@nachdermas) July 16, 2018
Gamers really out here acting like a $2.99 steam sale purchase buys em 51% shareholder status instead of a bunch of wiggling pictures that go beep boop
— $ (@folmerkelly) July 12, 2018
Gamers every time there’s fog outside: oughhhh….. it’s just like……. silent hill……..
— calcifer @ japan 💖 nature care gang (@mariusmontpercy) June 20, 2018
*nukes dropping outside*
Me: fuck yes
*sprinting to bathroom so i can be an environmental storytelling toilet skeleton*
— 💀 spooky scary shackleton 💀 (@shackle_ton) July 26, 2018
*tries to play a skeletons ribs like a xylophone*
SKELETON: you cant…it’s not- this is a mischaracterization perpetuated by the media— conpletely normal (@hippieswordfish) October 1, 2015
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) November 21, 2017
Welcome to B O N E T E M P L E please upload your bones to the B O N E T E M P L E
— エッチSKULL (@BILGERVTI) November 13, 2014
if your grave doesnt say “rest in peace” on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war
— wint (@dril) July 28, 2013
my grave is just a huge tv displaying videos of me doing parkour in hell and it makes all the other graves look like shit
— wint (@dril) September 21, 2013
Sorry I faved your tweet 21 seconds after you posted it it’s just that I’m standing in your foyer wearing a doll mask
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) November 7, 2013
once at a party I was stuck in a boring group conversation then I remembered I had a banana in my purse so I pulled it out answered it like a phone and said “Sorry guys I have to take this” and walked away we are the masters of our own fate
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) June 28, 2018
I appreciate that, no matter how much the rebels hate Darth Vader, they never deadname him. Good allies
— Black Cat-alie (@nex3) June 25, 2018
To recharge their posting mana, girls will post a selfie. Conversely, when guys post a selfie it will deplete their posting mana.
— andy s (@CIAGoFundMe) June 25, 2018
ah, you’re back from foraging for supplies! while you were out, we admitted an outsider to the group: gary, who is evil
— Cybernetic Hi-School IV Ape Hunter J (@direlog) April 5, 2018
I changed a character name from ken to keith with find & replace and I have many regrets. Manuscript now filled with ‘brokeith’, ‘spokeith’, ‘wokeith.’ Errors have been made, lessons have been learned.
— Sarah Day (@geowriter) June 29, 2018
i like big butts and i cannot lie, my brother also likes big butts and cannot tell the truth, how will you escape our dungeon
— Tam Elle🍓 (@weirdtakoyaki) May 14, 2018
toddler: when i grow up i want to be a princess
conservative (dumb): sorry kid boys can’t be princesses
liberal (also dumb): you can be anything you want!
me: [leaning in really close] let me teach you something about monarchy you reactionary little shit
— frank furtschool (@osamabishounen) July 1, 2018
i love working at the post office in Columbus, Ohio and ripping up absentee ballots that vote for trump
— raandy (@randygdub) October 16, 2016
You remember when people would say “Hey, did you see the news?” and you’d respond with mild surprise/interest instead of detaching your jaw and vomiting viscous black poison directly into the sky
— Josh Raby (@JoshRaby) July 17, 2018
if jurassic park were real it would be full of people calling the dinosaurs heckin’ big doggos and when they fed the raptors live cows everyone would be like omg sharp puppers got some schmackos
— merritt k (@merrittk) July 3, 2018
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
— Queenie (@queer_queenie) July 22, 2018
I wake up at 5AM every day, spend 4 grueling hours in my kitchen fixing my breakfast paella, which I barely have time to enjoy before it’s time to begin my lunch paella. But hey, i didn’t start my paella cleanse because it’s easy, I did it because something is very wrong with me.
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) July 5, 2018
It’s so fucking weird that we scrape the seed pod of an orchid into ice cream and that flavor is considered plain.
— Michael Hoffman (@Hoffm) July 6, 2018
q*bert’s hell is naturalistic. it could just be a large pyrite deposit. pac-man’s hell has an architect and that’s the real horror
— DJ Screaming Target 9️⃣ (@earthdistance) August 30, 2016
God Speed You Massive Black Sarcophagus
— Mike Harrison (@mjohnharrison) July 11, 2018
Yes, it was me who smuggled a large seabird into the plenary and launched it at the speaker’s head with the words “Actually this is more of a cormorant than a question.” I am to be considered for possible readmission to the society in 2038, which seems fair.
— James Sumner (@JamesBSumner) July 11, 2018
Just drove past a little boy with a lemonade stand. I wasn’t going to stop but he looked at me and deadass started miming himself throwing a lasso at my car and pulling me in. I didn’t have a choice, it’s a lawless land out here in the West but now I have lemonade
— Brendan (@BernardScrambls) July 9, 2018
Inspiring! This CEO Saw One of His Employees Digging Through the Dumpster for Food, So He Bought Her a Headlamp to Make It Easier to Sift through the Garbage
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) July 19, 2018
Babybel cheese, the unblinking red eye of a demon god, a cheese so powerful they cage it twice: in wax and then catch it in a net. “Murder me,” it screams, “peel off my skin and eat me.” Baby hell cheese.
— phil mann (@philmann) July 18, 2018
Researching life
— tomking (@tomking) March 6, 2008
There’s a machine at darlo train station that charges your phone, £2 for 20 mins.
Someone’s unplugged it and is charging thier phone in its socket.— Reece (@Hugill) July 20, 2018
i’m at that age where people from high school are starting to get married but not like everyone just the republicans
— aspiring baseball wife (@traderho) December 26, 2017
“To my unfollowers, I will strive to reexamine my content strategies, and do my best to earn back your follow.”
NOt. Eat my Fuckin shit— wint (@dril) July 26, 2018
Ahh hang on I got something in my eye oh nvm it’s just a vague and inexpressible sorrow
— Doing fine, stop asking (@InternetHippo) November 19, 2019
i refuse to ever teach my daughters the archaic concept of “losing one’s virginity” as if some baby-dicked boy who drives a Honda Civic is really taking something special from you lmaaaoo grow up and overthrow the government
— pony (@tigersgoroooar) September 16, 2019
Most importantly pic.twitter.com/xgwxO6IgBp
— Susie Cagle (@susie_c) February 3, 2015