I dont like new thing
— @EBrianas January 28, 2014
The earth, our home, is beginning to look more and more like an immense pile of filth.
— @Pontifex June 18, 2015
melt thtis shit earth. melt this shit earth and start over. except for me and everyone in my necklace makeing club
— @dril January 11, 2011
The good news: The future is here. The bad news: it’s dumb as hell
— @igowen November 20, 2013
are you having a crap of me mate?? Are you, having a crap of me mate
— @dril November 30, 2014
“my mario tip: Anything is possible in the world of Mario.” – my mario tip
— @dril August 4, 2014
how dare you fuck with me. how dare you fuck with me , on the year of Luigi
— @dril June 22, 2013
awfully bold of you to fly the Good Year blimp on a year that has been extremely bad thus far
— @dril July 19, 2014
“Check it” I say as I pull back the curtain. Behind it is a massive plaque that reads “PRIVILEGE”
— @igowen August 20, 2013
Yeah I’m into ESPORTS: Everyone Sharing Pleasantries Online Respectfully, Tastefully & Sensitively
— @ckolderup June 18, 2016
It’s a pity we have to use the awkward phrase “human-crocodile hybrid” while the French have the far more elegant “croque-monsieur” and “croque-madame”.
— @SnoozeInBrief March 9, 2018
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
— @pixelatedboat June 12, 2016
I’ve just invented a new kind of racism called super racism. I’d just like to be the first person to say that I am AGAINST super racism
— @g0m October 14, 2015
turning a big dial taht says “Racism” on it and constantly looking back at the audience for approval like a contestant on the price is right
— @dril March 15, 2017
this is not my beautiful waffle house, this is not my beautiful waffle wife
— @hollis_photo August 4, 2017
My cask of amontillado brings all the boys to the catacombs
And they’re like, you’re entombing us alive
Damn right, I’m entombing you alive
I could free you
But I’m entombing you alive— @living_marble March 21, 2018
The vengabus is coming
And everybody’s jumping
The vengabus’ purpose
A rail replacement service
To take you to some stations
We thank you for your patience
Might want to set out early
It will delay your journey— @johnneh November 27, 2017
You can lead a horse to water.
You can leave your horse behind.
Because your horse don’t dance and if he don’t dance then he’s no horse of mine.
— @skylxrksays July 2, 2018
Her skin is pale, her eyes are red
Her leaden voice commands the dead
To rise and stand beside their dreadful queen
No mortal power escapes her thrall
Her hunger will consume us all
And even now I hear her call: Jolene— @fauxparse June 8, 2019
why do birds suddenly appear
every time you are near
just like me
you angered three
forest hags— @SketchesbyBoze December 19, 2016
*walking in a winter wonderland*
ME: where’s bluebird?
BIRD: gone
ME: w… who are you?
*bird looks around shiftily*
BIRD: I’m new bird— @ryanqnorth December 17, 2015
we love Shakespeare because he portrays universal human emotions like fury, first love, revenge, being a sexy witch lady and having to kill your uncle because a ghost told you to.
— @SketchesbyBoze July 2, 2018
horny-upon-main, england
— @afterwits July 9, 2018
*event happens* but how does this affect Me, the Protagonist of Reality
— @thefurlinator April 17, 2014
How to use modern computer program
– Is there a gear?
– Click on the gear
– Did that do it?
– Try clicking on the air conditioner— @mcclure111 February 24, 2015
I want mine to be the generation that puts a hamburger button on the moon
— @ckolderup May 10, 2014
computer code is some of the most complex shit in the world. check this out. 39493425i934. thats just basic internet. thats internet level 1
— @johnvvariety March 26, 2014
WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
CODE IS DOCUMENTATION— @tef_ebooks August 31, 2015
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
— @UtilityLimb October 19, 2011
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, knowledge manifests itself in radiant dreams that shimmer like the wild sun.
— @UtilityLimb January 16, 2012
cultures yet to invent dogs still make speculative dog tweets. “they have form,” says one. “they are formless,” says another. both are wrong
— @UtilityLimb March 12, 2012
when someone lends you their dog creating machine DON’T just max all the stats without looking. my dog has 12 legs. that’s too many legs
— @ka_waltz May 21, 2012
nobody tell dogs that they are made of bones deep down inside or they’ll all just rip themselves apart out of joy
— @heckromancy September 19, 2012
I looked at a gazebo ONCE on Lowe’s website, and for a month Adchoices was fuckin’ GAZEBO CITY
— @griffinmcelroy May 4, 2016
the whole damn 19th century was just excessive crying and drama
— @mcmansionhell March 19, 2018
ugh why is the death cab always for cutie
— @dceiver March 18, 2018
Always wear your opera gloves when you attend the opera. Also wear your opera goggles. Know the location of the opera safety shower station. Now you are ready to handle that dangerous and corrosive material, the opera
— @rajandelman April 29, 2018
#tbt to when I met a dude named alec who had the macklemore haircut & I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to privately say “maleclemore”
— @ka_waltz December 18, 2014
TAke a look, y’all: IMG_4346.jpeg
— @stephenasmith May 27, 2015
@google porno
— @robertodelapa13 October 8, 2016
Sex gifs
— @deanjnorris May 23, 2018
Ten years in and we bone like we’re cheating on each other WITH each other. A decade-plus and her clit/brown/taint-area still pOwns my dick.
— @ThatKevinSmith July 9, 2009
incesto,,,INCESTO, ,
— @GreenGiant_es March 9, 2015
investo,,,INVESTO, ,
— @fightclubdvd July 28, 2018
JACKING OFF HAS RUINED MY LIFE – Lil B
— @LILBTHEBASEDGOD February 25, 2011
@thejaredfogle Have fun!
— @SUBWAY June 14, 2011
ah, So u persecute Jared Fogle just because he has different beliefs? Do Tell. (girls get mad at me) Sorry. Im sorry. Im trying to remove it
— @dril November 1, 2015
Computer, show me everyone being mad about the same tweet
— @pixelatedboat May 18, 2018
“jail isnt real,” i assure myself as i close my eyes and ram the hallmark gift shop with my shitty bronco
— @dril March 18, 2012
another day volunteering at the betsy ross museum. everyone keeps asking me if they can fuck the flag. buddy, they wont even let me fuck it
— @dril February 20, 2012
Another day volunteering at Mt. Gox. Everyone keeps asking me if they can fuck the bitcoin. Buddy they won’t even let me fuck it
— @rustyk5 April 11, 2013
“Dollars aren’t real”, I assure myself as i close my eyes and ram the federal reserve with my shitty bronco
— @ButtCoin January 20, 2018
i paid for a beer in cash last night and the bartender said “yes! cash! loving it!” and i said “same i’ve been getting back into acoustic money recently” and she did not laugh
— @anton_labae May 18, 2018
I went to the Museum of Ice Cream last September and I just found a sprinkle in my backpack
— @ajlobster January 5, 2018
u want george bush in prison? well guess what: hes already in prison, the prison of worthless human existence, +ur in it too. listen to tool
— @pisscop November 25, 2012
Millennials love sitting on the stoop drinking a forty two point three oz lime crystal geyser
— @borkwilly January 11, 2018
@Mobute [john kerry voice] who among us hasn’t blown off steam with a round of Monkey King and an ice cold Martin’s Dew?
— @dankmtl October 20, 2014
*Cracks Diet Pepsi* Ahh…Refreshing Diet Peppi *Slowly Sips, Then Gulps, The Diet Pappo** Ahh, Diet Parpo. Thank’s To The Papor-Colla Corp.
— @tree_bro June 11, 2011
i may be grasping at straws but let me tell you this: one day im going to nab one of those wispy little fuckers
— @6thgrade4ever February 1, 2018
i regret to inform you, that by resorting to Swear language, you have forfeit this debate. Farewell my bitch
— @dril March 27, 2018
the doctor reveals my blood pressure is 420 over 69. i hoot & holler outta the building while a bunch of losers try to tell me that im dying
— @dril July 13, 2012
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE— @UtilityLimb March 28, 2012
When I die, I dont want a stuffy religious ceremony, just celebrate my life by giving a priest 1000gp worth of diamonds to resurrect my body
— @tehloki October 17, 2017
man it’s immensely fucked up to name your pinocchio-ass robot “data”
— @Lubchansky November 16, 2017
I think I’ve figured it out: all young republicans are issued an enormous suit at 15 & they just slowly fill it out as they age
— @rappingranny February 23, 2015
Heading back into PDX and the girl in our row spent half the flight writing really bad poetry about a breakup
— @killhamster October 10, 2017
Venus once tricked a robot into sampling its own lens cap. I have a certain affection for that degree of planetary assholishness.
— @mikamckinnon September 22, 2017
love to stomp around the u.k. in my bermuda shorts and golf visor asking where all the walmarts are
— @prefect_beanis October 10, 2017
Why the fuck would you go big when u can go home
— @burkavengerette October 15, 2017
Imagine an e-mail finding you well
— @MarcSnetiker October 1, 2019
Hello youth: I am a cool one just like you I wear a backward hat. Choose bird not drug. Skateboards.
— @ProBirdRights May 5, 2014
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
— @pisscop May 9, 2011
teens building new species of teen out of every available resource. teens of moss and teens of ore, our old weapons can not harm them.
— @UtilityLimb April 27, 2012
me: don’t ever call someone fat, respect someone’s right to use their own words about their own body but never pass judgment on another human’s body or weight
me to my cat: look at u tubby boi. fat lil gnocchi— @aardvarkwizard March 26, 2018
productivity tip!!!
1. write down everything u want to do today
2. only one of those will get done
3. choose one item
4. it wont be that one— @jonnysun October 23, 2017
listening to a clavier: this fucking sucks
listening to a well tempered clavier: oh hell yea this shit rule
— @leyawn April 19, 2017
wow two pizzas for one… what a Faustian bargain “thats not what that means” wow what a Faustian hater
— @leyawn July 8, 2014
Go to church + change organists sheet music to slightly lower notes each week until after a while everyone is wearing hoods and eating drugs
— @cool_pond March 4, 2012
I throw a gender reveal party for my future kid. Everyone is hyped. What’s inside the cake? Pink? Blue? NEITHER. It’s venomous spiders. Gender is a social construct. There was never a child. This is a life lesson for my friends about survival of the fittest. Be ready or be deady.
— @AlexPleskach1 January 11, 2018
“This Whole Thing Smacks Of Gender,” i holler as i overturn my uncle’s barbeque grill and turn the 4th of July into the 4th of Shit
— @dril June 16, 2012
go ahead. keep screaming “Shut The Fuck Up ” at me. it only makes my opinions Worse
— @dril March 10, 2018
who the fuck is scraeming “LOG OFF” at my house. show yourself, coward. i will never log off
— @dril September 16, 2012
ME: COMPUTER… SORT THE POSTS ON THIS SITE FROM LEAST TO MOST RACIST
COMPUTER: YES MASTER
ME: COMPUTER… PLEASE DO NOT CALL ME THAT— @dril March 30, 2016
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this— @dril August 4, 2016
you know what wo uld be fun, would be if twitter hq just dumped a truck full of wet turds on my front lawn every day “In case I missed it”
— @dril July 17, 2018
fuck “jokes”. everything i tweet is real. raw insight without the horse shit. no, i will NOT follow trolls. twitter dot com. i live for this
— @dril October 13, 2011
watching all of you goof up again, with your posts. nobody has ever crapped themselves more in human history. The shit is a total clown show
— @dril October 11, 2019
there is a time and a place for clowns and it is called “CIRCUS”. not the computer
— @dril March 8, 2014
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
— @skullmandible December 12, 2013
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
— @nice_mustard July 18, 2012
DON DRAPER: “We quiero many things. Family, safety, love. But this guy–”
(Taps drawing of chihuahua)
“There’s only one thing he quieros.”— @DCpierson June 6, 2014
is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat
— @skullmandible August 29, 2013
Hello, this is Rachel from Catholder Services. We’re calling to inform you about an issue with your cat. He says you aren’t holding him.
— @UtilityLimb January 11, 2012
[watches Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood for first time] this is cute, good little lessons for the kid
[watches Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood for 64,297th time] the fuck is King Friday’s claim to authority, how has no one usurped this feeble autocrat, storm the castle Music Man Stan
— @SimonMaloy March 4, 2018
*sees Santa at the mall*
Me: ” Homoousios or Homoiousios?”
Him: “What?”
Me: “You’re not the real St. Nicholas.”
— @NPWhite717 December 2, 2017
every single word in the sentence “homestuck tumblr fandom doxxed dril” would require at least 4 hours each to explain to my dad
— @alecrobbins November 17, 2017
thte international space station is visible from earth at the following times: Nerd Time
— @dril November 1, 2011
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets— @jenniferemorrow April 26, 2018
Young man you will not use the word “finna” in an essay for my class. You will use the proper form “finning to”
— @ApparatusMan March 14, 2014
yeah, sure, i like sorkin. sorkin my own dick
— @meganamram January 21, 2019
*finishes sucking dick*
*crushes it against my head like a beer can*
— @softdad_ February 16, 2018
“Anime is real,” Barack Obama said in his inauguration speech earlier. “Pokémon are real. Geodude is real, and strong, and he’s my friend.”
— @drewtoothpaste January 21, 2013
obama: *punches me* what is my fursona
me: fuck you ass hole
obama: *throws a chair at wall* how do i get a fursona
me: got o hell— @jetgreguar June 24, 2015
Obama chuckled. “You mean the Chaos Emeralds?”
— @fanfiction_txt April 30, 2013
Out on the town having the time of my life with a bunch of friends. They’re all just out of frame, laughing too. pic.twitter.com/VCbkZwWwvs
— @nathanfielder July 12, 2015
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
— @extranapkins January 3, 2013
Daaamn gurl, heaven must be missin an angel cuz you got nine swords, a face obscured by light, and a voice like peals of thunder.
— @sexyfacts4u January 7, 2013
for mothers day i got my mom some big sticks she can pretend are swrods when shes rough housin with her mom friends
— @degg May 9, 2010
Sword’s. The only blade known to man
— @dril May 17, 2015
“im not owned! im not owned!!”, i continue to insist as i slowly shrink and transform into a corn cob
— @dril November 11, 2011
I hate the neologism “owned” for “scored a victory over”. I have no intention of owning anyone, and nobody will ever own me.
— @RichardDawkins May 19, 2013
@Whoozley I’ve seen a dog & bitch indulging in full 69. Males of many species including Drosophila lick female genitals before copulation.
— @RichardDawkins March 24, 2014
we need a disney princess who’s down with the clown
— @mad_dog_5150 March 22, 2018
November 5, 2010 I hate the muppets bcuz of the Pig girl, she was disgusting, i hate her with my life, she doesnot leave the lizard alone
— @jawbroken November 7, 2010
somebody just said to me “she doesnt leave the lizard alone” but in the context of a real life situation and without any prior exposure to the famous tweet on that topic
— @borkwilly April 5, 2018
*bumps into cute girl while typing on calculator* oops! got a bit carried away inventorying my lizards *makes sure she sees the 99999999999*
— @ingmarbirdman July 26, 2013
*affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible
— @Lowenaffchen July 26, 2013
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
— @mattytalks July 19, 2013
scientist (shows me photo of a raccoon eating garbage): please identify the animal in this picture
me: big mood
scientist (to soldier): tase him again— @leyawn March 23, 2018
James and the Giant Mood
— @hellohappy_time June 23, 2018
Old person watching a Tweety Bird cartoon: I assume this bird has conservative opinions and isn’t afraid to express them. I’ll make a meme about it. The image compression will be horrible
— @pixelatedboat March 29, 2018
fishmech was right
— @Goons_TXT November 20, 2014
cremnob was right
— @Goons_TXT March 13, 2015
stymie was right
— @Goons_TXT January 13, 2016
[reading an eighteenth-century document]
me: don’t you do it
my brain: ……..
me: DON’T
my brain: maffachufetts— @allohillary February 25, 2018
life is just a viral marketing scheme for the empty void of death
— @igowen September 24, 2013
My tweet went so viral a dude is selling weed in the comments
— @dhm April 2, 2018
If my calculations are correct, biscuits and Triscuits hint towards a mysterious third food called “monoscuits.”
— @TenderBeefsteak April 3, 2018
[everyone getting mad at me for saying racial slurs in the airport cinnabon] this is marxism, to me
— @KrangTNelson April 4, 2018
People say a lot of bad things about Long Island and I just wanna say, having grown up there, it’s extremely racist
— @charles_kinbote May 24, 2018
issuing correction on a previous post of mine, regarding the terror group ISIL. you do not, under any circumstances, “gotta hand it to them”
— @dril February 15, 2017
ordered from same chinese delivery place for years. when i would call i would hear the lady whisper “its hot boy” because i liked it spicy
— @BAKKOOONN October 14, 2013
For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn. Ya my wife said its irresponsible to spend $160 on baby sized Jordans. Just to clarify my baby is not dead
— @radvillainy October 17, 2016
i 👏 was 👏 cursed 👏 by 👏 the 👏 clapping 👏 wizard 👏 and 👏 i 👏 am 👏 on 👏 a 👏 quest 👏 to 👏 kill 👏 him 👏 will 👏 you 👏 help 👏 me 👏 adventurer
— @CdiGanon July 14, 2016
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
— @smithsara79 August 2, 2017
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
— @Skoog July 11, 2018
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
— @a_lolbrarian January 14, 2018
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
— @OmarNajam November 28, 2017
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
— @boy_from_school May 13, 2018
I
H ate
A cronyms
T hey
C an
E at
M y
S tinks— @owenpallett August 4, 2015
i love eating ASS
A
S atisfactory
S andwich— @IllyBocean November 27, 2017
Before u leave the house, think of the acronym ‘WOWEE’
Wallet
phOne
Wkeys
Egg
Egg (backup)— @figgled September 14, 2017
Whoa just realized
F.ross
R.achel
I.oey
E.obe
N.onica
D.andler
S.ome friends— @danacbell May 5, 2015
the worst part of eating oysters, id say, is having to chew through the outside rock part
— @Lubchansky May 17, 2018
Online friendships are wild because you learn every detail of their childhood traumatic experiences and ensuing lifelong mental illness in the first week, and then three years later you’re like, “Wait, you have a dog?”
— @mobrienbooks May 17, 2018
Some people say you can drink coffee any old time, but I find its stimulating powers most effective in the mornings, when I need to do tasks
— @tcarmody May 18, 2018
i told a customer good morning and he said “time means nothing to me” he’s the only person i’ve ever respected
— @pant_leg July 12, 2018
Epcot seems like it was planned by a child trying to appeal to adults. “What do adults like? History, science, and alcohol? “
— @elizaskinner May 17, 2018
I wouldn’t last a day in the Tale Spin universe and I feel like every girl I meet knows it
— @i_zzzzzz September 19, 2016
my son doesn’t return my calls
— @doritos_dad April 30, 2013
my addiction to doritos has destroyed my family
— @doritos_dad October 21, 2014
/!\ REMINDER /!\ Even if Senators vote to kill your entire family you MUST respect them by not saying anything rude.
— @drewtoothpaste July 25, 2017
I choose to believe that everybody’s just humoring He-Man on the secret identity thing. “Oh hey, He-Man! Did you see where Prince Adam went? He was JUST HERE a moment ago and now he’s gone! Oh well, I’m sure you wouldn’t know anything about that.”
— @popeguilty May 18, 2018
the true genius of classical pavlovian conditioning is that every time i hear “pavlov” i automatically think of a dog
— @jonnysun May 19, 2018
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
— @mrjohndarby November 30, 2016
thinking about this guy who rolled a five during a drinking game where if the die landed on five you had to pound a beer and said “aw dang what are the odds.” and someone said “one in six you dumb motherfucker.”
— @bobby May 21, 2018
yeauh, let me just follow the fucking “YouTube” account, on twitter. thats fucking normal
— @dril September 26, 2017
when i see a tall building i bend backward to see the tippy top while exclaiming ‘golly!’ and my tattered pants fall down
— @STRONG_PlSS April 7, 2018
pepe, the frog that pulls its pants down all the way to pee, is the icon of a bold new generation of profoundly-stunted shunt-brained poindexters who are determined to take this country “back”
— @BUSSCRO November 25, 2017
my therapist wants me to “slow down” and stop “living my life like it’s a race” it’s like he doesn’t even know that life is a highway and i’m contractually obligated to ride it all night long
— @pant_leg May 20, 2018
Been checking out this new little show, ‘Rick and Morty’, and it’s looking pretty good so far. Not perfect but OK. Thinking of maybe basing my entire personality around it
— @Hbomberguy May 20, 2018
“The ancients had over five hundred gods, which they referred to as Funko Pops,” said the archaeologist. He advanced the slide, and the crowd laughed. “No, they weren’t very good at art,” he added.
— @drewtoothpaste November 15, 2017
Also yes sometimes lunch is pancakes how about you piss off I get enough shit from my numerous doctors
— @AugustJPollak May 21, 2018
Hey dude sorry I didn’t respond to your text sooner, I accidentally refered to eating lunch as “becoming lunchpilled” and my wife took my phone away
— @gloomfather June 29, 2020
one day i’ll finally die and when i’m face to face with that old bastard god he’s gonna have to tell me whether or not ABBA exists in the Mamma Mia! Cinematic Universe
— @Lubchansky May 20, 2018
before you threaten to “Pimp slap” me, please remember that i am a police officer of the law, on at least four separate timeline’s
— @dril May 21, 2018
gathering data on various of bastards
— @dril May 9, 2018
it i s a DISGRACE that these people are finding exciting, new ways to get horny without my express written permission
— @dril April 29, 2013
journalism is the hardest job on earth…I have to look at so many sites, and everyones trying to trick me into posting pics of my whole ass
— @dril January 6, 2018
and another thing: im not mad. please dont put in the newspaper that i got mad.
— @dril December 29, 2014
im the guy who gets really upset about people not putting their real names on here. im also mad at State Farm Insurance for not being a farm
— @dril May 30, 2016
cant believe i got fired for measuring female coworkers skulls with my phrenology calipers. welcome to 1984. i have committed “wrongthink”
— @BAKKOOONN August 8, 2017
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time— @drewtoothpaste May 22, 2018
[absolute worst voice you can imagine] daddy likey
— @IllyBocean June 4, 2018
I just saw a dad in cargo shorts on a riding mower shoot some finger pistols at another dad on a riding mower what a fucking power move
— @Jawwwwwsh May 16, 2018
you at 35: just paid my tax online, lol extremely adulting much
your dad at 35: i have 4 kids and industrial deafness— @thomas_violence November 19, 2015
these days it seems like people are always on their iphones instead of thatching roofs or following the edicts of edward the confessor
— @jon_bois September 26, 2017
i’m devising a system of springs and pulleys that will allow my corpse to backflip into my own grave
— @porn_horse September 3, 2014
okay gang. I know a lot of you have concerns. I’ve heard whispers of a trap, even an ambush. and I get it. these are difficult times. even *I’m* nervous.
but guys. if we put all that worry aside, and we take this chance, and it pays off…
we get a free wooden horse.
— @aedison May 22, 2018
Accidently left the front door open so now my Roomba is out cleaning up the streets.
When its work is done Earth can begin to heal.
— @Wahday44 May 14, 2018
morning tip: close your sensory holes when moving from sleeping bag to waking bag. do not experience the unbagged void outside the bagwombs.
— @UtilityLimb April 4, 2012
an oscar the grouch in every trashcan doesn’t break the canon that there’s only one of him, each connects to a central body in the undercity
— @UtilityLimb March 17, 2012
your movie script is a lot like unicode in that it’s got a bunch of stupid characters that will never show up on a screen
— @UtilityLimb April 27, 2012
bike is short for bichael
— @UnburntWitch December 1, 2017
t-shirt is short for “the shirt”
— @woodmuffin January 9, 2016
@MaraWritesStuff Most people don’t know this but he actually shortened his name from Elongated Muskrat when he moved from South Africa.
— @jdcrowley July 11, 2014
LOOK BACK FORTY YEARS, TO WHEN SOMEONE COMPLIMENTED GEORGE LUCAS ON HIS BRAND-NEW FLANNEL SHIRT & HE THOUGHT “WELL, THIS IS IT FROM NOW ON.”
— @vumpire March 13, 2010
funny how socialists always complain about “privelege” and yet they all seem to adorn themselves with precious stones and pearls, sit astride a scarlet beast full of names of blasphemy, and bear upon their brow the mark MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIO
— @osamabishounen June 16, 2018
did you know that the bible doesn’t actually contain any references to hell? or heaven? or christ?? it just a bunch of names & phone numbers
— @dril December 20, 2012
if somone cooks your goose, thats it. youre basically fucked
— @dril May 25, 2018
Yesterday in the park I saw a toddler screaming “BAD DOG” at a goose & I can’t stop thinking about it
— @fairfairisles May 23, 2018
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
— @bibliophileq June 9, 2018
Interviewing a developer for whom English wasn’t his first language and he kept calling legacy code “legendary code” and now that’s all I want to write.
— @cackhanded July 17, 2018
is there any feeling more humbling than dropping your phone on your own face
— @eveewing May 23, 2018
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
— @SamGrittner May 21, 2018
if youre in new york and dont know about the slice, well, the slice is famous. it’s not the slice’s job to educate you
— @6thgrade4ever December 8, 2016
Long term Twitter use has only 2 possible outcomes:
1) you become a overbearing politics obsessed scold
2) your brain becomes so diseased that you can only laugh at stuff like “it’s ya boy tarantula dick”— @mattytalks May 24, 2018
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
— @cashbonez May 23, 2018
Arnold Palmer: get me a refreshing drink
Barkeep: try this, its lemonade and iced tea
Arnold Palmer: Mmm… its good… I just invented it.— @mikefossey October 30, 2014
things you should never say to guys with depression:
1) im kicking your ass, sad boy
2) i heard you have depression… prepare to die fool— @mikefossey August 21, 2015
fool me once, fuck you, fool me twice cut it out asshole stop fooling me
— @mikefossey May 30, 2018
Metallica 1986: here’s a song called creeping death, it’s about a plague personified and it shreds
Metallica 1991: this one is called enter sandman and it’s about going to bed— @mikefossey June 22, 2018
One thing I like to do is to go to dunkin donuts and order a donut and a munchkin, and request that they put the munchkin into the donut hole to create a complete donut. In my experience they’re confused every time and they enjoy it about half the time
— @mikefossey July 29, 2018
ahh Mr Bond… ive been expecting you. (I lean back too far in my chair and windmill my arms to regain equilibrium) ahhh whoa holy shit dude
— @mikefossey May 14, 2016
ENJOYING BOND MMO?? JUST CRAFTED SOME REMARKABLE BOND GEAR WHILE YOU WERE BUSY TRYING TO FUCK THE NPCS WITH THE HUNDREDS OF OTHER JAME BONDS
— @dril April 29, 2015
country songs by men: “🎵when u live the 🤠farm life…u need a 👩🌾farm wife👰”
country songs by women: “im literally going to kill my husband”— @LeftAtLondon April 9, 2017
i just sucked my own dick and got poisoned. no podcast tonight
— @dril August 21, 2013
the five dolphins who played flipper were the original pod cast
— @aedison May 27, 2018
oh man you got hacked? you should have turned on 2 factor auth and also sacrificed a goat to the infosec gods. you did? two goats, then
— @sarahjeong March 4, 2015
@fermunation @ButtCoin he called it his “pleasure card” while making intense eye contact pic.twitter.com/bS8OvdDcJI
— @sarahjeong February 1, 2015
I bought your product, but my PC is still affected by virus :(
— @akash1988 July 27, 2017
what a shame that James Joyce died before he could see Finnegans Wake adapted into its ideal format (twitter)
— @Trillburne June 3, 2018
Hello sir, I-*briefcase full of jellybeans falls open*
— @brendlewhat February 4, 2012
*lives in a culture of cutthroat competition, militarism and callousness led by sociopaths idolized as heroes* WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?
— @brendlewhat December 14, 2012
Nazi: ah… I’ve been bested in debate…. i shall cease to be a nazi
— @piss_wizard January 21, 2017
“why won’t these libturd soyboy SJWs sit down and have a conversation with me” is my favorite form of obliviousness
— @AmyDentata July 12, 2018
oh, youvve read a few academic papers on the matter? cute. i have read over 100000 posts.
— @dril October 3, 2015
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”— @cat_beltane April 15, 2015
you, an imbecile: gas prices are up
me, smart: car sauce gettin EXPONSIVE— @soy_person June 24, 2018
for my money.. nothin hits the spot quite like Food, or Drink
— @dril February 5, 2015
bread has never been good. let it be known on here that i will never eat the shit food bread.
— @dril July 19, 2014
having my druthers— @dril June 5, 2018
THERAPIST: do you have *any* goals?
ME: *thought bubble of spinning newspaper w/ headline “Perfect Boy Receives Maximum Number of Treats”*— @6thgrade4ever November 4, 2016
the main thing with ebola is dont touch the vomit. i know some of you are wanting to touch the vomit, but that’s– you gotta not do that
— @6thgrade4ever October 2, 2014
pick your battles. pick… pick fewer battles than that. put some battles back. that’s too many
— @audendum November 4, 2016
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
— @ch000ch October 19, 2013
OLD MAN: a battle wages inside me, son, between two wolves – one good, one evil.
BOY: that’s dope as hell
OLD MAN: it is extremely bad ass— @bromanconsul May 20, 2017
Politic’s is back baby. It’s good again. Awoouu (wolf Howl)
— @dril February 18, 2015
just sold 1000 guns to “CONGO” in my most radical act of self care to date
— @dril August 30, 2017
its the weekend baby. youknow what that means. its time to drink precisely one beer and call 911
— @dril November 1, 2013
hello 911. the toilet seat ripped my loin cloth off again
— @dril August 18, 2016
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying— @dril September 29, 2013
I wanna have “butler deals with my piss jars” money. Tired of dealing with my piss jars alone
— @twitersgoodboy June 7, 2018
accidentally brought my piss detector into the mens room again and cowered beneath a sink as the deafening screech echoed off the hard tile
— @dril January 1, 2016
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
— @kanwetwitty March 8, 2012
YOU: [bad, sexistly] women be shoppin!!!
ME: [woke, wise beyond his years] susan be anthony— @electrolemon July 30, 2017
If you’re a sex worker, and you don’t end all of your client interactions with “it was a business doing pleasure with you”, I think you’re wasting an opportunity.
— @YourKyness July 25, 2018
It is time for them to pay for what they have done.
— @coffee_dad March 29, 2017
*scrolling through Twitter for eleven hours a day*
– Jeez, I wish I was as good at creating stuff as all these amazing artists I follow. How on earth have they become so skilled?
*continues scrolling*
— @somegreybloke May 15, 2018
your piss poor taste in obelisks that’s what’s up
— @leifromloihi December 9, 2013
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
— @tastefactory September 30, 2012
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
— @tastefactory February 28, 2014
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
— @maebemarbles July 8, 2013
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
— @elle91 September 1, 2017
the guy behind the counter at the shop calling me “boss” is the only respect ill ever receive
— @chillcops247 March 31, 2014
cant wait until work is over so i can stop sitting in front of this monitor and sit in front og the monitor at home which is 3 inches bigger
— @dril September 2, 2014
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
— @dril October 11, 2012
Me: would it be ok if I get on the computer today?
Boss: you don’t have to ask me every day. you can just go in your office and get on— @dlicj April 24, 2019
lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I’ve been spending too much time on twitter. Hold on he’s saying something else now
— @DanMentos June 13, 2017
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways— @actioncookbook January 5, 2016
When your customer says “jump”, you should say ”thanks for the feedback! We’re considering adding jumping to our roadmap.”
— @acreature March 29, 2019
welcome to the world of pokemon, 10yo unaccompanied child. whcih small creature would you like to train to maul other animals? there’s excess saliva turtle, highly flammable lizard and a toad we glued to an onion. time to go into the woods alone now
— @bonerman_inc June 13, 2018
my mom used to watch jeopardy early on a different city’s channel so that when she would watch it w my dad later she’d know all the answers. she’s still never told him so he’s been under the impression that she’s a genius this whole time
— @gracearnprie June 14, 2018
on my commute, I noticed the guy next to me using Twitter exclusively to keep up with golf. All the tweets in his timeline were like, “Great job on the back nine, Chuck” and “Wow! Stellar putt on the third hole, John!!” and I’ve never been more jealous of someone’s online life
— @ChappellTracker June 18, 2018
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
— @Trillburne September 22, 2017
the crack of the bat. the scent of a verdant field. The excitement of the crowd. These are the things that piss base ball fans off the most
— @dril June 19, 2018
someone has filled the Stanley Cup with… BLood?? my god. such a powerful statement. how could we have been so blind. Sports is cancelled
— @dril September 14, 2013
I just shouted “stop fucking about” at the telly while watching trained athletes at the peak of their game. I am drinking cans in a vest.
— @JusticeTrousers July 11, 2018
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
— @burgerdrome May 10, 2015
my favorite brutalist installation is the moon
— @ctrlcreep October 5, 2016
Brutalism Is My Favorite Architectural Style And Also Dog Petting Technique
— @UtilityLimb May 17, 2011
me: *knows uwu is an emoticon that resembles the eyes and a mouth and cannot technically be pronounced*
my last braincell: oo-woo
— @kenobarnes June 20, 2018
I wrote a play. the main character is MOM. mom, youll be cast as MOM. 1st act opens with you showing the audience where you hid the nintendo
— @6thgrade4ever June 5, 2013
i remember when nintendo 64 came out in 1996 thinkijg it was the coolest thing i’d ever seen & it turns out i was right. i haven’t felt that way since. i haven’t felt anything
— @nachdermas July 16, 2018
Gamers really out here acting like a $2.99 steam sale purchase buys em 51% shareholder status instead of a bunch of wiggling pictures that go beep boop
— @folmerkelly July 12, 2018
Gamers every time there’s fog outside: oughhhh….. it’s just like……. silent hill……..
— @mariusmontpercy June 20, 2018
*nukes dropping outside*
Me: fuck yes
*sprinting to bathroom so i can be an environmental storytelling toilet skeleton*
— @shackle_ton July 26, 2018
*tries to play a skeletons ribs like a xylophone*
SKELETON: you cant…it’s not- this is a mischaracterization perpetuated by the media— @hippieswordfish October 1, 2015
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
— @bea_ker November 21, 2017
Welcome to B O N E T E M P L E please upload your bones to the B O N E T E M P L E
— @BILGERVTI November 13, 2014
if your grave doesnt say “rest in peace” on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war
— @dril July 28, 2013
my grave is just a huge tv displaying videos of me doing parkour in hell and it makes all the other graves look like shit
— @dril September 21, 2013
Sorry I faved your tweet 21 seconds after you posted it it’s just that I’m standing in your foyer wearing a doll mask
— @KarenKilgariff November 7, 2013
once at a party I was stuck in a boring group conversation then I remembered I had a banana in my purse so I pulled it out answered it like a phone and said “Sorry guys I have to take this” and walked away we are the masters of our own fate
— @KarenKilgariff June 28, 2018
I appreciate that, no matter how much the rebels hate Darth Vader, they never deadname him. Good allies
— @nex3 June 25, 2018
To recharge their posting mana, girls will post a selfie. Conversely, when guys post a selfie it will deplete their posting mana.
— @CIAGoFundMe June 25, 2018
ah, you’re back from foraging for supplies! while you were out, we admitted an outsider to the group: gary, who is evil
— @direlog April 5, 2018
I changed a character name from ken to keith with find & replace and I have many regrets. Manuscript now filled with ‘brokeith’, ‘spokeith’, ‘wokeith.’ Errors have been made, lessons have been learned.
— @geowriter June 29, 2018
i like big butts and i cannot lie, my brother also likes big butts and cannot tell the truth, how will you escape our dungeon
— @weirdtakoyaki May 14, 2018
toddler: when i grow up i want to be a princess
conservative (dumb): sorry kid boys can’t be princesses
liberal (also dumb): you can be anything you want!
me: [leaning in really close] let me teach you something about monarchy you reactionary little shit
— @osamabishounen July 1, 2018
i love working at the post office in Columbus, Ohio and ripping up absentee ballots that vote for trump
— @randygdub October 16, 2016
You remember when people would say “Hey, did you see the news?” and you’d respond with mild surprise/interest instead of detaching your jaw and vomiting viscous black poison directly into the sky
— @JoshRaby July 17, 2018
if jurassic park were real it would be full of people calling the dinosaurs heckin’ big doggos and when they fed the raptors live cows everyone would be like omg sharp puppers got some schmackos
— @merrittk July 3, 2018
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
— @queer_queenie July 22, 2018
I wake up at 5AM every day, spend 4 grueling hours in my kitchen fixing my breakfast paella, which I barely have time to enjoy before it’s time to begin my lunch paella. But hey, i didn’t start my paella cleanse because it’s easy, I did it because something is very wrong with me.
— @shutupmikeginn July 5, 2018
It’s so fucking weird that we scrape the seed pod of an orchid into ice cream and that flavor is considered plain.
— @Hoffm July 6, 2018
q*bert’s hell is naturalistic. it could just be a large pyrite deposit. pac-man’s hell has an architect and that’s the real horror
— @mjohnharrison July 11, 2018
Yes, it was me who smuggled a large seabird into the plenary and launched it at the speaker’s head with the words “Actually this is more of a cormorant than a question.” I am to be considered for possible readmission to the society in 2038, which seems fair.
— @JamesBSumner July 11, 2018
Just drove past a little boy with a lemonade stand. I wasn’t going to stop but he looked at me and deadass started miming himself throwing a lasso at my car and pulling me in. I didn’t have a choice, it’s a lawless land out here in the West but now I have lemonade
— @BernardScrambls July 9, 2018
Inspiring! This CEO Saw One of His Employees Digging Through the Dumpster for Food, So He Bought Her a Headlamp to Make It Easier to Sift through the Garbage
— @gilbertjasono July 19, 2018
Babybel cheese, the unblinking red eye of a demon god, a cheese so powerful they cage it twice: in wax and then catch it in a net. “Murder me,” it screams, “peel off my skin and eat me.” Baby hell cheese.
— @philmann July 18, 2018
Researching life
— @tomking March 6, 2008
There’s a machine at darlo train station that charges your phone, £2 for 20 mins.
Someone’s unplugged it and is charging thier phone in its socket.— @Hugill July 20, 2018
i’m at that age where people from high school are starting to get married but not like everyone just the republicans
— @traderho December 26, 2017
DON’T 👏🏻 CALL 👏🏻 IT 👏🏻 TRADITIONAL 👏🏻 MARRIAGE 👏🏻 IF 👏🏻 IT 👏🏻 DOESN’T 👏🏻 EVEN 👏🏻 SECURE 👏🏻 ALLIANCES 👏🏻 BETWEEN 👏🏻 RIVAL 👏🏻 FIEFDOMS
— @solikebasically January 6, 2017
children are not human to me. you can fit all their belongings in a cubby. its pathetic. i have at least 8 cubbies worth of belongings
— @johnvvariety May 1, 2014
“To my unfollowers, I will strive to reexamine my content strategies, and do my best to earn back your follow.”
NOt. Eat my Fuckin shit— @dril July 26, 2018
oh youre gonna unfollow me now? just when the posts are getting Good? im sorry Your Majesty!! (Dick sucking motion ) Eugh Eugh EUgh
— @dril April 22, 2020
Ahh hang on I got something in my eye oh nvm it’s just a vague and inexpressible sorrow
— @InternetHippo November 19, 2019
i refuse to ever teach my daughters the archaic concept of “losing one’s virginity” as if some baby-dicked boy who drives a Honda Civic is really taking something special from you lmaaaoo grow up and overthrow the government
— @tigersgoroooar September 16, 2019
well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions
— @geraldinreverse September 29, 2018
If unemployment exceeds 30% and distrust of the political process becomes widespread, there is a danger that the United States will enter what historians call The Cool Zone.
— @SeanRMoorhead April 9, 2020
Most importantly pic.twitter.com/xgwxO6IgBp
— @susie_c February 3, 2015